Kinky Male Masturbators

What it is: A rubber jack-off sleeve for men, shaped like a male mouth and chin, fringed with a gay-boy clone 'stache in convincing fake hair.

What it does: Lets you pretend you're getting sucked off by the leather biker dude from the Village People.

Who uses it: The construction worker dude from the Village People.

Other uses: Entertaining ventriloquism toy - move his mouth and make him talk in funny voices.

What it is: A blow job simulator that you plug into your car's cigarette lighter. Sort of looks like a Dust Buster, but with lips.

What it does: Drains your car battery while it drains your load. Hoovers up all that lint under your foreskin and the crumbs in the seat upholstery.

Who uses it: Long-haul truck drivers, bored commuters.

Other uses: Doubles as a mini-vac for cleaning your car's interior.

What it is: A "freshly scented strawberry jelly anus with tight noduled sleeve." A strawberry jelly anus? Does that mean you should use peanut butter for lube?

What it does: Fresh strawberry scent could remind you of your first girlfriend's lip gloss, or it could make you think you're banging the guy from the produce market.

Who uses it: Guys who want to do anal, but without that icky ass smell.

Other uses: Hang it on your rear view mirror to freshen up your car.

What it is: "Minty fresh scented glow in the dark vibrating jelly mouth and teasing tongue with a textured sleeve."

What it does: It's just like getting a blow job from someone sucking an Altoid.

Who uses it: Guys who like to jack off with toothpaste.

Other uses: Menthol inhaler to clear sinus congestion.

Take me to the bondage gear...