Scary Butt Toys

What it is: "A life-sized rubber hand and arm,12.5 inches long, 9 inches around and 3 inches wide." Comes in eerily lifelike fleshtone or jet black.

What it does: Hits that hard-to-reach spot in your transverse colon.

Who uses it: Used to dislodge fecal impactions in people who've had their fudge packed too tightly.

Other uses: Backscratcher, prosthetic limb.

What it is: A realistic dismembered rubber finger mounted on a plastic vibrator. Possibly one of the scariest sex toys we've ever seen.

What it does: You put it where you wouldn't want to stick your own finger.

Who uses it: The creepy guy with greasy hair and a beer gut you see reading car mags at 7-Eleven. Lives in a trailer park with his mom.

Other uses: Nose picker, Halloween prop.

What it is: A classic rubber butt stopper the size of a small traffic cone. "This butt plug is truly Humungous. Please do not order unless you understand the size. This plug stands about 9 inches high and at its widest point is about 5 inches (12 centimeters) wide (diameter)."

What it does: Stretches your ass ring to superhuman dimensions. Should come packaged with a case of Depends.

Who uses it: Anal extremists who can't get their backdoor open wide enough.

Other uses: Doggie chew toy, sink stopper for your garbage disposal drain.

What it is: An inflatable ball with a butt plug stuck on it. Sort of like one of those exercise balls, but with something extra.

What it does: Lets you sit and spin, or bounce around on your butt. Pray to god it doesn't get stuck, though, because then you'll have to walk around with a giant balloon attached to your ass.

Who uses it: Gym enthusiasts, P.E. instructors.

Other uses: Liven up your adult dodge ball league. Tie on some anal beads and play tether ball.

What it is: An anal plug designed to be used by two people at once. You must be very close to use this toy with someone. Very, very close.

What it does: Links you and your partner at the asscheeks. For laughs, insert it in both of your rectums and then try walking around or jumping up and down.

Who uses it: Couples who have to do everything together: like if he's taking a dump, she's in the bathroom brushing her teeth.

Other uses: Also a good doggie chew toy, or use it as a foot massage roller.

Plain dumb vibrators...